In the last two years it seems that I might have lost a few friends here and there. Not their physical being though. I'm unsure it this would make the situation better or worse. It's very odd knowing someone that you used to be closer with is still out there somewhere, just not by your side anymore. It's complicated to find yourself thinking about them and wondering if you still cross their mind every once in a while. I suppose at the end of the day it is natural to grow apart from people. Occasionally I think it is even possible to simply not notice that you are slowly drifting apart.
Maybe I would have taken things like that better when I was a teenager. I was much more cynical in a dramatic way than I would consider myself these days. I would have thought that growing older would make my skin thicker for situations like this but it appears growing older has only made me more emotional. Being a teenager is so overwhelming, everything seems like the end of the world but you dry your tears pretty fast as well. Being an adult almost has a deeper edge of sadness. Sometimes it's not that easy to make new friends, they don't come along as fast as they used too. When you lose someone it cuts much deeper. You figure out that life can be very sad.
The worst thing is that most of the time there isn't really a way to mend a broken friendship. You can't turn back time on some things that were said and done. You end up being suspended in some sort of endless plain in between the period where you were friends and the period where you don't know each other anymore. I find it to be very complicated to move on.
Sometimes it's also devastating that you don't get a response, or a clear cut plot. Unfortunately, or maybe for the better, life isn't like a movie. You end up with a lot of unresolved plot points. It's a little like talking to a closed door. You know there might be someone on the other side but you don't really hear anything.
For me some of the hardest parts are those questions you have left like "But I am the one who was hurt by what you did. Why are you choosing to cut me out?" or "If you knew you were leaving, why didn't you come to say bye to me? Did the friendship mean more to me than to you?". Sadly at the end of this story it seems best to just forget about it all. You will never receive the answer tied together neatly with a ribbon. Sometimes people just vanish into the fog a bit without a reason, this almost hurts less.
The best medicine for now seems to be to talk about my feelings with my true friends, the ones closest to me. They know me, and they understand the way my personality works. They might know the people involved as well. It's the most liberating feeling to keep those people close to me. For some people, I believe I know they will never stray from me. Even if they might move back to their home country, I know they will stay with me. And I will stay with them.
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